It’s been a long while… feel like I need to introduce myself again to me— “Hi, Debbie! It’s Debbie the writer, or somewhat writer, who lost her way, suffering from a writer’s block as wide as the Grand Canyon. Nice to see you again!”
I promised myself on this blog that I would not edit any word, nor grammar and just let this one flow. Because… how do we do this? How do we regain our written word when it has been eradicated from our day-to-day life? This is no one’s fault and I am not going to take the blame either (although GUILT has been another common theme meandering through my head lately surrounding so many things).
If I recount the past 18 months’ worth of excuses, valid or otherwise, it would bloat this entry like an overstuffed pig, so I am not going to do that. I am, however, going to free flow where I am today, in this moment, both mentally and emotionally, and this brings me not to 18 months but rather
18 years…
A milestone in my life.
It’s the birthday of my youngest child. She is one of three. She is now 18 and through this day, there have been so many emotions- I honestly, didn’t see this coming for me. I woke up this morning and gave my baby girl a big hug, wishing her a happy birthday. She was glowing. She should be. She graduated high school last week and is soon embarking upon her first big benchmark; moving 1,300 miles away to pursue her degree in some sort of microbiology, cellular tech— Jesus! For the life of me, I cannot ever remember the specific major (insert tiny GUILT).
Meanwhile, here I am…
I continued the day by putting together an IG Reel to commemorate her and her 18 years. With every pic I pulled from the archive, I stared more intently at the image all the while questioning, with my internal voice, did I do okay? I mean, she’s happy, she’s smart, she looks people in the eyes and has compassion. Her total sum is more than most I know. Why does it go back to a question mark preceded with “Did I do enough.”
The self-questioning was then followed by a tailspin into nostalgic thoughts, highlighted by memorable music which has colored the past 2 decades, less 2 years. And then…tears. Happy tears, bittersweet tears, sad tears and tears to mark the prequel to the pending loneliness within this nest which, in 2 months’ time, will no longer house any chicks from my flock; a brood with varying numbers which I have reared for over 27 consecutive years. I heard someone say to not view it as the sadness of an empty nest but rather the opportunity to launch birds. I love this.
The sway of emotions popped the cork, leading me here to my keyboard for some long overdue processing of thoughts. It is a slice of life and this moment. I know there are many more pieces to unearth but for the time being I will embrace this milestone, a marking of time and its richness but also its inevitable passing and, just like with the others, the house will find new sounds of comfort and the homecomings will be anticipated with excitement. And just as she will find her way through discovery, I will too, with an open heart and an empty page.
Abundance 